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User talk:Daimondhead2
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The Room in your house page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! WhyAmIReadingThis (talk) 12:47, February 14, 2016 (UTC) ClericofMadness (talk) 16:04, February 14, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:33, June 20, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story Besides the frequent typos/wording errors ("He knew he had to get the weight of (off) his chest.", "He stuttered ask he asked, at one point one of his friends had to finish his sentence for him.", "The only peculiar (peculiarity or peculiar thing as "peculiar" is an adjective) that was found was a small indent where her chest was while she was lying down", etc.) and punctuation issues: ("His rage built up until he whispered to himself.(Should be a comma) “I wish she would just leave my life forever”.(punctuation should be inside quotations)"), there are quite a lot of plot issues present in the story. Story issues: The story feels rushed in the latter half. You go from them going out to being broken up within a few sentences and it really doesn't build up the story. ("Until she changed her mind. She said that she had been peer pressured into saying yes, and that she only liked him as a friend.") Speaking of things that need more build-up, the suffering he endures under the ball should really be more fleshed out to drive home the torment and relief at it leaving. ("He was finally freed from the ball’s torture, finally free to forget about Lili.") Story issues cont.: "Lili had vanished from her bedroom on the day after the breakup, without a trace. No sign of forced entry, no indication of a kidnapping. ... The only peculiar that was found was a small indent where her chest was while she was lying down" If Lili vanished/disappeared, how exactly does anyone know about the dodgeball-sized mass in her chest? If she's vanished, how does anyone know the physicality of her injuries? Are you meaning to say that she left an imprint on her bed? If so, that really doesn't work as beds don't really hold imprints like that. Finally, the story feels fairly rushed. There are 6-8 paragraphs (depending on whether the spacing was intentional that combined two paragraphs two separate times) and the story feels anemic due to the real lack of character development, description, or plot advancement. The unnamed protagonist asks a girl out, is rejected, and then she disappears; it feels like this is more of a skeleton draft than an actual complete story as the ending is fairly anticlimactic and there really isn't much conflict to drive the story. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:07, June 20, 2016 (UTC)